Motivation vs Guilt

Welp, you know you’re having a bad day when you don’t even want to binge-watch your favourite TV shows.

Turns out, texting my beloved friends and family to say “I feel awful and I can’t muster up the energy to do anything” results in phone calls with conversations that make me feel better. Who knew?!

I spent more than two hours in bed this morning after I woke up and it wasn’t the fun kind of staying in bed where you’re glued to the pages of your current novel, but the bad kind of staying in bed where you stare at the wall thinking “I should get up”. “I ought to get dressed.” “I need to take my meds”. “It’s a lovely day outside, I could go for a walk” – “But that involves getting up, and putting on clothes, and eating food, and going outside”.

I didn’t even want to read my latest Terry Pratchett novel. I read a few pages and then was completely underwhelmed with disinterest.

I didn’t want to play the piano. I didn’t want to bake a cake. I didn’t want to go outside. Hell, I didn’t even want to blog, even though writing down my feelings and my thoughts makes me feel better, every time. I got as far as the opening sentence above, and gave up. Continue reading

Unwinding after my Thesis Submission and the Next Steps

So, hello, how are you all?

I’ve been unwinding and relaxing after handing in my PhD Thesis and working out my next steps.

Handing in my thesis went without a hitch and I didn’t stop grinning for two days, I was so relieved! I also spent most of those two days asleep, which was sorely needed after running on adrenaline and caffeine and too little sleep for the better part of two weeks. Continue reading

Handing in my PhD Thesis

Well folks, it’s done. I’ve handed in my PhD thesis! I have a few weeks to wait until I find out when my viva voce exam is but I guess it will be around April some time. I don’t even know how I feel right now. Relieved, happy, disbelieving, proud, and some other things. I want to dance and can’t stop grinning but I also want to cry. And sleep for a week.

I’ve got some nice things lined up for the next two weeks and then we’ll see where it’s at.

I also want to say thank you to you, my readers, and especially to Keelie, Elodie Glass and Kasey. You’ll not see them but you’re in my Acknowledgements because I couldn’t have done it without this blog and all your support and encouragement. So thank you.

I don’t know how much I’ll be posting for the next few weeks as I don’t know how it’s going to shake out. I need to take some tine to recuperate and see friends and then I have to start thinking about my immediate future. I guess I will have things to say about job hunting and prepping for my viva but who really knows?

Take care my dears

It’s nearly DONE!

Oh my gosh, you lot, my thesis is nearly finished!!!!!!

It’s 270 pages and about 60,000 words including the Bibliography. I mean, wow, I never thought I’d get to this stage.

After one hellish week with nowhere near enough sleep, I have finally finished all the writing I had to do. I’m just waiting for my supervisor to finish his meeting so he can double check my Abstract and Concluding Remarks paragraph, then it’s time to print!

Print three copies tonight, and take them to the binders first thing in the morning, then head over to Scouseland to hand it in!!!

I can’t believe it’s nearly real, I really can’t!

I am so looking forward to a good night’s sleep tonight.

Love ya

The Freeze Response to Chronic Stress – a Description

I know, I know, I said I wasn’t going to blog until I’d submitted the thesis but today has not been a good day. At all. Stream of consciousness coming up…

I have been on the verge of melt down pretty much for the entirety of today. I did an hour’s work this morning after I got up, which = win!

But then, oh then, the anxiety, fear and panic manifesting in the freeze response.

I’m not entirely sure how to describe this but there goes nothing.

It feels like a damn is about to burst and I am about to be drowned in panic. And in order to avoid that, I’m squashing it down as hard as I possibly can. So I’m aware there are all these really strong feelings just waiting to get out but because I can’t deal with that, I’m keeping a lid on the pressure cooker.

And instead my mind goes blank. I’ll stare at whatever’s in front of me but not really notice it. My eyes are unfocused and everythnig outside the tiny pinprick in the middle might as well not be there. I’m aware that I’m hunched up, tense, completely unable to relax, that I’d be in tears if I wasn’t keeping a lid on it. But I can’t do anything to stop it and make the feelings go away. Continue reading

Coming out

NessieMonster:

This: Tolerance says, “Love the sinner, hate the sin.” Acceptance says, “There’s nothing sinful about living in the way that makes you happiest.”

Originally posted on Penny Gets Lucky:

Last week, I finally summoned up the courage to tell my father that I’m bisexual.

For a lifelong Catholic, he took it pretty well. He made sure to tell me that he still loved me, and that having feelings for someone of the same sex wasn’t wrong.

It was my actions, he said, that mattered.

Sure, it’s okay to have these feelings – you can’t control feelings – but to act on them would be what constituted a sin. He asked if I’d had sexual partners other than my husband – to which my response was “No,” but honestly should have been “That’s none of your damn business.” He said that he was only worried because if I went outside the bonds of my marriage, that would be a violation of my vows to my husband. I told him that was for me and my husband to decide, and I’d…

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Captain’s Log, Stardate 20151.3

Wooohooo, we’ve survived another calendar year! Go us! We haven’t killed the planet yet!

This is an FYI that this blog will be going dark for a few weeks. I have to submit my thesis in THREE WEEKS TIME AND OH GOD I AM SO NOT READY FOR THIS!

Besides attempting to keep a lid on my rising panic and writing like a motherfucker, I am not going to be doing much and need to be as distraction-free as possible. So I am going to love you and leave you, and see you all again when my new year properly starts. I.e. once I have handed in my thesis, which will be about the 26th of January.

I hope you have all survived the holiday season in one piece without too much stress and family upset. Hope this year is better than last year, even if going by the track record suggests that that is unlikely.

Much love to you all.

See you in a few weeks.

Statue of Eros covered in Snow, Sheffield

Snow in Sheffield, UK, many years ago.

 

Oh and as a funny/sad – numerous people have been landing on my blog looking for “teen sex”. And “gay seks” and “grandmother sex”.  Umm, this is probably not what you are looking for, but I hope you find it enlightening nevertheless.

How Christianity Damaged My Sexuality, Part 2: Cultural Teachings

This is Part 2, and it deals with some of the cultural teachings I absorbed or was actively taught that harmed me. Part 1 is here but it carries a content note for descriptions of sexual assault.

The first teaching regarded the fate of your “heart” if you had sex before marriage. I was specifically told that if/when you had sex, you gave a part of your heart away which you could never get back. You were broken if you had sex (outside of marriage) and you were a sinner if you “fornicated”. That word that confused the hell out of me for years. Listed alongside adultery, theft and murder in the New Testament as things you should never ever do, none of the adults I asked would ever give me a straight answer as to what it even was, like the “no heavy petting” sign at the swimming pool. Eventually I figured it must be all the sexy things that weren’t Capital-S Sex. Continue reading