Well, it’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve posted here. I want to say I’ve been horribly busy but that’s not entirely true. I’ve been busy with Jiu Jitsu committee business making sure all the Freshers are licensed and getting everyone signed up for the National Competition we’re going to this weekend but I’ve had about the usual number of free evenings. I’ve been meaning to finish a post I started on explaining my PhD and there have been a couple of other bits that crossed my mind but nothing spectacular.
Thing is, none of this is what’s really bothering me. I told someone very important to me about this blog, and it didn’t go down so well. Apparently I’ve been writing this blog since April which is seven months! Seven months I didn’t tell them I’d been keeping it. Seven months I didn’t tell them about “something that’s obviously really important” to me. And now I’m fighting the urge to censor myself, to keep what I write here to less important things, which leaves me with far less to talk about. Which is why I didn’t tell them for so long. I knew that once they knew this blog existed, I’d feel more wary about what I share on here. I kept meaning to tell them but you know what it’s like. The road to hell is paved with good intentions et cetera. Couple that with a bone-deep visceral fear that if anybody finds out about the real me, they’ll leave, or they won’t love me as much as they did before, and it becomes a complete and utter mess. I want to be open and honest on this blog, because I know it’s good for me and I feel better after, but each opportunity to be honest is a situation in which I am horribly vulnerable and exposed in the moment. So it’s a challenge. And I think it will always be a challenge, which is unpleasant.
I felt euphoric after I finally worked up the guts to them that this little corner of the internet exists because they were all ‘it’s no big deal’ and I’d finally done it so I could stop worrying about it. But it became a big deal after they discovered just how long I’d been keeping it, and worse, keeping it secret. They were more bothered by the fact that I came across as not trusting them than by anything I’ve written, and while I see their point, I’m still kinda like “Yes, but at least I told you eventually. You know how big a deal this is for me, right?” I want to explain myself but once again, I don’t think I’ve done a very good job of it.
I was recommended Daring Greatly by Brené Brown and I’d watched her TED Talk (above) a while back which was eye-opening and made me cry, lots, but I’m still getting a handle on it all. This is the context I’m framing my struggles in. I know openness and vulnerability are vital but they are also scary and difficult, and anyone who says otherwise is either lying or far better adjusted than anyone I have ever met. So yeah, I’m putting this out there, fear be damned.
Why? Because I don’t want to stop writing! I’ve got a horrible few months ahead of me as I write up my thesis and I still want to get to a year of keeping my blog because from everything I’ve seen of the blogs I love, it takes a year to get going and build up your commenting community. I love comments. Reading what you think of my words makes me smile inside. Every new page view is exciting, and I always hope you found whatever it was you were looking for. But if I’m going to attract you and encourage you to stay I need to write things! So I need to write about the things that are important to me. Which on bad days = effort. Especially when I’m writing about things like the Downton Abbey story line. That was exhausting and time-consuming but I had a lot of visitors, so that’s good? The media coverage made me sick, that much I know. I also know I will not be watching the show again, which makes me sad.
Fortunately an article on FemPop concerning Grey’s Anatomy reminded me of what I’ve been missing. The show’s on Season 10 now and I hadn’t watched any of it since the end of Season 4. Cue an emotional binge of Grey’s Anatomy viewing. Other TV I’ve been watching are Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., Elementary (not as good as the recent BBC version with Benedict Cumberbatch IMO, although entertaining, and yay female Watson, also a woman of colour), and Suits, Season 3 (Jessica Pearson and Rachel Zane are actual people with lives and stories of their own!).
Also, Castle, Season 6! Mmmmm, Nathan Fillion! *drool*. Not sure I approve of their antics though. I was gunning for Beckett to get and keep the job at the Attorney General’s Office so I was not impressed with Castle’s behaviour that nearly cost her her job. On the other hand, go Kate for sticking to her principles and saving a woman from an unwanted CIA recruitment/blackmail process. I was looking forward to a show that told the story of a woman progressing through her career, managing a long-distance relationship well, and continuing it when the man in her life follows her to where she wants to work, but I guess somebody in charge doesn’t think we’re ready for that yet. Sigh.
Other things I’ve watched are Pacific Rim and Kick Ass 2. Pacific Rim left me a little underwhelmed but maybe it would have been better if I’d seen it at the cinema and not on my computer screen. Kick Ass 2 however was great! I read a fascinating article over at FemPop called The Invasion of the Trojan Horse Hero from which I quote this:
Something similar happens in Kick Ass 2. Dave Lizewski’s arc is identical to his arc in the first film. He gets the idea to be a superhero. He realizes that is a terrible idea. Things spiral out of control. He beats up a bad guy and decides to stop being a superhero.
The difference is this time around Mindy Macready isn’t just an adorable and foul-mouthed sidekick there to brighten up dour scenes. She’s a protagonist. In many ways she’s the protagonist. She’s the one wrestling with teen hormone fueled sexual urges, she’s the one sneaking out at night, she’s the one struggling to understand her place in the world. In short, she’s the one with the arc.
– Read the full article here
I read the article before watching the film so now these two paragraphs make perfect sense and they’re spot on. Mindy’s story is much more interesting than Dave’s – it’s a coming of age story but this time for a teenage girl rather than a boy. It deals with her response to the loss of her Daddy and her strained relationship with her foster-father, who’s doing his best to encourage her to be a normal teenager interested in fashion, boy bands (One Direction – ugh!) and cheer leading. Speaking of which, her cheerleading try-out scene is one of my favourites I think, second only to her riding off in the distance on her awesome, kick ass motorbike after saving the day. Love it!
What awesome geeky things have you been watching recently? What haven’t I seen yet that I would totally love?