“Let It Go” – Frozen

I finally got around to watching Frozen and yep, I think it’s as good as everyone said! “Let It Go” moved me to tears. There’s so much in the lyrics that resonate with me and ugh, all the feelings.

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see.
Be the good girl you always have to be.
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know.

I’ve spent all my years feeling this. Inside, I feel like a mess but the external façade has always been of the perfect good girl. My terror is that the mask will slip and those ever-present them will see.

Can’t hold it back any more.
Let it go, let it go!
Turn away and slam the door.
I don’t care what they’re going to say.
Let the storm rage on…

And the fears that once controlled me, can’t get to me at all
It’s time to see what I can do,
to test the limits and break through.
No right, no wrong, no rules for me.
I’m free!

But this? This freedom from fear and shame? Is where I want to be.

The shadow weight I carry whispers “you’re not good enough“. Without ever specifying what “good enough” even is. Except that it’s never how I am right now. There’s always more I could be, more I should be doing.

Elsa sings “I don’t care what they’re going to say”. If only it were true. I do care, so very much. I fear judgement and rejection and although no-one has ever said anything as harsh to me as the things I say to myself, they might and then what would I do?

Where do I want to be?

In a place where I am enough. Where I am okay, just as I am. Where, fundamentally, who I am inside is all right, is aceptable.

I want to be able to sing this love song to myself and to believe it.

 

Where even the darkest parts of me hold no shame for me any more so that I can rise, courageous, like the break of dawn and say:

That perfect girl is gone
Here I stand, in the light of day.

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10 thoughts on ““Let It Go” – Frozen

  1. “Caring about what others say” is such a paradox in our thinking, isn’t it?
    We care about people – family, friends, colleagues, etc. etc., therefore it is inevitable that we will listen to others. We will listen, because we value them; we will listen, because the past has taught us that they care about us; we will listen, because their advice and words of encouragement have not let us down; we listen because we want to approve of them for who they are. And yet we are told to build our self-esteem by statements like, “I don’t care what they’re going to say”. It violates our reasoning, on some level, it tells us that we need to reject others for not accpeting us. It’s a paradox.

    I think we need to adopt a more accurate statement. One that is helpful to us in those moments of anticipated rejection that allows us to be strong, yet understanding of opposing feelings.

    And now, as I write this, I’m pausing to realize that there is now way around it…what we all want, is acceptance. And we know that we will hurt if/when we are not accepted and then we need a way to counter that feeling of rejection. And when we “let it go”, it has a feeling of finality and loss to it, doesn’t it?

    Thanks for sharing, because I can see the vulnerability to are expressing here.

    • You know, I’d never thought of it like that before. But it is so clear now you’ve pointed it out. Of course I care what they think. I love them, and they (hopefully/probably/definitely-apart-from-my-jerkbrain) love me back. Which is why it’s terrifying that they might not any longer, and how much worse that would be if it’s because of something I’ve done.

      I have been told the trick is to know that you’re still worthy of love and acceptance even if you have screwed up. But how does one get to believing and knowing that?

      • I’m not sure how to get there…but if you figure it out, please share the secret…lol

      • I’m a little baffled – why would one not believe that they’re still worthy of love and acceptance? People make mistakes – it’s a given and even if someone sees you as unworthy, well, that’s their opinion – why make it yours? Jeez, if you’re not gonna believe in yourself in any of this, no one else will either. Yeah, I know, easier said than done if you’re not gonna try your level best to know and believe that you’re worthy of love and acceptance, we really need to talk!

        • Because of their upbringing and the implicit assumptions they learned (possibly incorrectly but not always) were in operation? Because of their religion beating them over the head with how they are never good enough? Lots of reasons. Often not applicable now or ever, and faulty to begin with, but just because someone’s an adult now, doesn’t mean they haven’t still got a scared child inside who’s influencing their instinctive emotional responses to the situations they face now. It means you do have to be able to sit with the emotions as they happen and be able to reassure yourself you’ll be okay. And in support of that, putting a bit of effort into examining the underlying assumptions and reasoning and seeing how they can be made more accurate and reminding yourself of the more accurate versions repeatedly.

          So, yeah, I am trying and have been trying, but also it is hard and it is a process. Hence the blogging and journaling about it.

  2. In a way, it’s not about not caring about what others say – you can’t stop yourself from doing this. What does play into this is being able to weigh what others are saying against the way you feel about yourself or is what they’re saying have any meaning or otherwise make a difference to you?

    Hard decision to make on this one but it all begins with being as comfortable with yourself as you can manage; the more secure you are with yourself, the less of an impact the opinions of others have. I usually say that I don’t care what anyone has to say about me – but that depends on who’s saying it and, then again, not so much because while I may respect what they have to say, I have the final word on whether or not I’m going to let what they said affect me in any way. Otherwise, whatever’s said is just information.

    Acceptance ALWAYS begins with yourself; if we can gain acceptance from others, okay, that works… but we approach this with the sure knowledge that we may not get all the acceptance we feel we need and then, again, you have to decide for yourself the degree of importance in this. Simply, if they do, fine; if they don’t, okay – is this really going to make a difference in how I see myself and my sexuality? Is it going to change whatever it is I want to do in this?

    I’ve found that even when I hear something from someone I know and respect and they’re not as accepting as I had hoped for, I find that at the end of the day, it’s really not going to change anything. Sure, I’ll have to revise my ‘files’ on this person, noting their lack of full acceptance or whatever – and life goes on.

    Sometimes, you just gotta let it go, for better or for worse. I’ve found that if you spend a lot of time worrying about acceptance, your life will grind to a halt; you’ll start second-guessing yourself and none of this is a good thing. Let go of your self-doubt and accept the certain fact that there will those who will accept you and there will be those who won’t. You address each situation as necessary because if you try to deal with it all at one shot, wow, you’re just gonna make yourself nuts. You’ll become hesitant and indecisive and these things will wind up affecting your entire life.

    You don’t want to be like that; no bisexual should be like this. If it help, I accept you just as you are, sight unseen and without any other information other than what you’ve cared to share here. Why? Because I understand because I’ve been there. Might not mean a whole lot but if and when you’re seeking acceptance, you take it wherever and whenever you can get it.

    • Thank you so much for all your kind words. Again, it’s all stuff I know in theory but the practice is so much harder and on a bad day, out of reach entirely. I’ve been looking at mindfulness and cognitive behavioural therapy but it’s no quick fix. Especially when this uncertainty and perfectionism reaches through so much of my life (school, univerity, PhD. Relationships – family, friends and partners) and is reinforced by a mountain of religious indoctrination and fear (Matthew Ch5: the Sermon on the Mount e.g. even having lusty feelings is the same as adultery. If your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out) then, wow, yep, that is no easy process.

      • You’re welcome – and I comment because I want you to take theory and turn it into practical application. It’s not easy… but when you have others on your side, it becomes less of a difficult task – and I know this to be true because, of course, been there, done that – would you like one of my T-shirts?

        One of the internal problems bisexuals have is dealing with the sexuality and in the face of what I call societal pressures – those things you mentioned in your comment. One needs to learn how to reset their perspective – you have to learn how to unlearned what you have learned about sexuality and learn something new – and then integrate it. Again, I know it can be done and I did it without any help from anyone and, no, it wasn’t easy. You take a long look at yourself and say, “This is who and what I am;” you own this because it is a part of you.

        Once you’ve accepted this about yourself, the next step isn’t getting others to accept you – it’s figuring out how to integrate yourself into your everyday life and with the understanding that it’s going to take years before it’s even close to a ‘perfect’ fit – it just isn’t going to all fall into place by itself and trial and error are the watchwords each and every day. I’ve been bi for 49 of my 58 years and I’m still working on this – but I can do it without it touching the certain and proven knowledge that I am bisexual.

        I can tell you that it took me about a year and a half to become completely at peace with my sexuality and how it affects my life and the people around me. It’s a rather complex thing to do but I was uber determined to get it done. After that year and a half, I had fully accepted myself and my sexuality; if others accepted me, fine, but if they didn’t, okay, we’ll deal with that as necessary but at the end of any day, acceptance and the lack thereof does not, cannot, will not change the fact that I’m bisexual. You have to be determined to own this and, well, I was pretty damned determined and driven to do this.

        It all begins with you, Ness. Bisexuality is a lot more emotional than even bisexuals care to admit – but this is mostly a process that involves logic and common sense – but YOUR brand of this and not someone else’s – read that as those societal pressures I mentioned. It’s about what’s the best and right thing for YOU and what, if anything, you plan on doing about your bisexuality and, oh, yeah, you could be perfectly content with just knowing that you’re bi and not trying to have the sex that people think automatically happens with this.

        It’s your process – own it. You define your sexuality – it doesn’t and shouldn’t define you; obviously, there are many bisexuals… but we’re not all bisexual in the exact same way or for the exact same reason, are we?

        And I’m here to help if I can: You were never alone in this, Ness.

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