Life, blergh.

Just a quick note to say hi and that I haven’t forgotten you! Things have been super busy and stressful here. The ex-housemate situation I alluded to in a previous post is still causing me grief but there’s very little I can do about it until the tenancy is up. Long story short, I’m framing it as a friend-break-up, complicated by pantsfeelings and tentative poly shenanigans. The PhD work has been getting on top of me again too, partly because as well you know, my supervisor is a gigantic pain who cannot/will not read subtle body language and verbal hints. My work trip to Barcelona to see our collaborators was a strong success regardless but it means yet more work for me and my brain is panicking, going “nope, nope, nope” all the way to the Nope Rocket.

The Nope Rocket(@kingdomofwench & @louisathelast, via Captain Awkward)

I also have a lab meeting to present on Thursday, which while not uber-stressful, is one more thing to prepare for. Consequently I have been spending a lot of time in Excel and learning Prism’s GraphPad software (highly recommend it if you can get it free off your institution! But it is a learning curve).

Meanwhile, in my personal life, I also had my bike stolen the other week from outside my uni building. The scumbags did a proper number on the lock and rode off on it, managing to avoid the CCTV. That properly shook me up, and every time I walk past the bike rack, I expect it to have magically reappeared, which so isn’t going to happen. The combination of the bike, uni/work/PhD, friend-break-up and my partner having moved to the other end of the country is making me feel overwhelmed and very lonely. I have plenty of good acquaintances here but they are all PhD-associated, while my actual inner circle and family are also at the other end of the country. It sucks. It’s only for another month and a half, but still. Not pleasant. I have spent several nights crying into my pillow about all this, and my jerkbrain has been having an absolute field-day with it. It’s particularly enjoying stirring up trouble in my relationship with Squisher, by focusing on the what-ifs of the future and magnifying legit issues we need to deal with at some point into massive relationship-ending catastrophes. It then adds a helping of guilt and calls me crazy for worrying about things I don’t need to worry about right this second, and adds a side portion of “what if he leaves me?” insecurity and fear. God, I love being me sometimes.

 

The other thing is that I have not been finding as much joy in reading all the blogs as I did in the recent past. I am feeling burned out on the whole “Here be rape culture. Trigger Warning!” thing cluttering up my feed, and the “Academia sucks, bro! Here’s one weird tip that will land you a job for sure!” thing. I just don’t have the energy to care right now. It’s not that I don’t care but right now I cannot deal. On the one hand, I feel like I don’t have enough to read, and on other, it all feels the same and feels like a chore. I don’t look at my reader and go “goody, new stuff!”, I go “oh god, there’s tons I haven’t read yet, I’m falling behind!” Which again, not pleasant. Instead I’ve been bingeing on House, Grey’s Anatomy and Orphan Black and re-watching favourite movies like Billy Elliot, Lilo and Stitch and anything else Disney. I also watched Saving Mr. Banks the other week and I cannot recommend it highly enough. A heartfelt tear-jerker with a very interesting female lead character. Go watch it.

Much love

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8 thoughts on “Life, blergh.

  1. Hang in there and be nice to yourself. Bad things in life are (semi-)randomly distributed, so sometimes you just get a big mess of them like this. You deserve credit for dealing with this big mess of them.
    Will try to psychically beam better things your way.

    • Awww, thanks. 🙂
      I’ll just have to keep telling myself it’s not for much longer. Also doing the sensible thing of going home to family for some TLC.

  2. Damn, sorry to hear stuff’s not going too well down your end 😦

    You seem to have made some sensible TV choices though – I LOVED Orphan Black Series 1, but didn’t warm to the first ep of the new season. Do you think it’s got potential?

    Em xxx

    • Ooo, I am HOOKED on Orphan Black. I’m completely up to date with it and I cannot wait to see what happens next. There are some serious mysteries to be solved, like who the hell is Mrs S and what is her past and part in the whole thing? Also the Proletheians and Helena. *shudder*. It’s been a long, long time since I’ve been up-to-date with a show such that I’m hanging on desperately for the next episode. The last show was Grey’s Anatomy back in Seasons 2 and 3.

      xx

  3. Our drinking cups can only hold so much, right? When you keep putting more and more into it, it eventually spills over. 🙂

    Sometimes it’s important to just step back and think: Eh…I’m one person, people will have to figure out how to handle things without me sometimes. 🙂

    But it is nice to hear from you!

  4. I understand the feeling of running out of things to read, while also feeling hopelessly behind. I am likewise burned out on feminism-y and academia-sucks rantings, which means it’s time to rotate some new blogs/content sources into my life, but I haven’t figured out which ones yet.

    I also haven’t written in quite some time at this point, having been hiding from the world and bingeing on tv (woo House on Netflix). Broke up with my girlfriend and moved to a new apartment recently, and that pretty much zapped my mental/emotional energy.

    • Oh, keelie, I’m sorry to hear that. Hope time and self-care are helping. Sending you virtual cake and hugs.

      I’ve been reading actual books again but I can’t get away with that at uni! It’s almost getting to the point where doing the data analysis is more interesting than mooching around the internet. :-/

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