BiVisibility Day – I Like Kissing Girls. And boys.

Well, the internet tells me it’s BiVisibility Day. I feel like I should be excited but I’m not. I’m not out to many of the people in my life, and I certainly can’t post about it on FB, sooo, this will have to do.

I reckon I’m not at all visible as a bisexual person. I don’t dress stereotypically queer and I’m not involved in any offline LGBT communities. I’m probably reasonably out as an “ally” in that I post quite a lot of things about LGBT rights on FB and am often quite vocal in conversation when people decide queer-bashing is ok, but whether most people put two and two together, I don’t know.

I dress and, for the most part, act like a straight woman. If I was on the scene, I’d be called a femme, and as far as I can tell, it’s hard enough to get credibility as a lesbian femme. Let alone a bi femme. If there are visual clothing clues femme bi women use to spot each other, I’ve not received that memo. Anyone else know anything?

Given that all my long-term relationships ever have been with men, that’s what people hear about when talk gets on to relationships. I’ve been with my Sweetie for nearly two years at this point, and as people generally assume you’re monogamous, going steady with a guy pushes bisexuality off the radar. My kink-based relationships with women don’t ever get mentioned in public because outing myself as bi, kinky and polyamorous in one go is a bit much!!!

I’ve heard biphobia from one lesbian woman I knew well – there were comments about some famous woman who cheated on her female partner with a bloke being a typical bisexual, and after that, I decided not to come out as bi to her. That’s the extent of the active biphobia I’ve encountered but I know others aren’t so fortunate. And biphobia has had other effects on me.

I talked myself out of getting involved in the LGBT scene in Manchester on the basis that because I’m in a relationship with a guy, the scene wouldn’t have anything to offer me. Baring the anxiety ridden soul searching I did when I first realised I was bi, I figured I didn’t need the company of other bisexuals in meatspace, and even back then, I did all my thinking after reading stuff online and never sought support from people in person.

I’m thinking that ought to change. I would like the company of my fellow bisexuelles. I want to hear and speak about how we deal with being in long-term relationships with men and the assumptions that come with it. A couple of my facebook aquaintances are bi, but we’re not close and we haven’t talked about it since I privately told them I was too.

I feel left out when I’ve read stuff by bi women who don’t feel the need to be in relationship with a woman right at the moment because they are dating a man they love. But I am dating a man I love, and I do think about it a fair bit. I wonder what it would be like to date a woman and I wonder if I’ll forever feel like I’m missing out if I don’t and instead settle down with my Darling Smush, to do the whole house, marriage, kids thing. I think I’m probably poly, in addition to bi and kinky, and I could potentially have serious relationships with both a woman and a man, but finding someone(s) to do that with is tricky, and the doing of it even more so. It’s not easy.

So, I’m mostly comfortable with being bi in and of itself but it adds external complications, when mixed with the kinky and poly aspects of my personality. Like, if I was out about all three things, I’d then be the bad, broken bisexual woman who gives the rest of the bisexuals a bad name for being a greedy cheating slut who wants to have her cake and eat it too. Who was probably abused as a kid, because that’s obviously the only reason a person becomes a kinky fucked up nutjob. I mean, who are those people?!

Yay. Ugh, writing that hurts. *Shudder*.

Anyway, I wanted to share something a little more upbeat and talk about a couple of songs that were instrumental in me realising I might be bi. Ya’ll gonna hate me for this but oh well.

One: Katy Perry’s I Kissed a Girl

It’s been done to death through a feminist lens, as being targeted to the male gaze, playing to the experimental bi curious/girls doing it to titillate the boys stereotypes, and yes that criticism all still stands. But, BUT, that lyric of “I kissed a girl and I liked it” stayed in my head for weeks after I kissed a girl… and liked it. A lot.

She was the first lass I’d ever kissed. We were in the middle of the dance floor at the goth night, and she was wearing a red faux leather corset and black tulle miniskirt, and I thought she was HOT. We’d been flirty dancing in the way that gothy women do, and it progressed from there. There were several men egging us on, so yes, it did play to the male gaze, but the internal reality for me was different. Up til that point, I’d been able to convince myself that the flirty dancing with women and eyeing up the “hot goth chicks” was just a thing that straight girls do (objectifying our fellow women FTW! Not.). That kiss, and a few other things that followed broke the veneer of plausible deniability.

It’s not what good girls do, not how they should behave.
My head gets so confused, hard to obey.

It felt so wrong,
it felt so right.

These lines also rattled round my head, shaking my faith because they described so well how I felt. I was a good girl, a Christian, being gay was fundamentally, morally, wrong, how could I possibly kiss a girl and like it? Surely I was damned, and would have to never, ever do that again, just as I swore never to have “sex” again before marriage. (On a separate note, oops, yeah, that worked out well). And yet, I liked it. It felt good.  How could God make something feel so right and then damn you for it? That hardly seemed fair. Oh right, yeah, God allows Satan and his minions to tempt us, so that we can be strong and master ourselves. <headdesk>


Song the second: t.A.T.u.- All the Things She Said

Yep, gonna leave it there.




2 thoughts on “BiVisibility Day – I Like Kissing Girls. And boys.

  1. *fellow bi-lady high five*

    I am bi and poly too. I like playing with kink, but for the most part it isn’t something that feels essential to my sexuality, and I’ve never been involved in organized kink, so I don’t describe myself as “kinky”–though many of my friends and partners identify that way.

    I’m sorry you don’t have much of a real-life LGBT community or even many people you’re out to. I’ve been there, and it’s lonely. While I was with my evil ex, a dude, I was only out as bi to a handful of close friends, and I didn’t feel like I had any right to identify with the queer community due to my lack of experience with women. I only got around to coming out when I started dating my first girlfriend.

    To be honest, I still tend to feel like something of an outsider in queer communities, since I lived as a presumed straight girl for so long. I’m very lucky to have a great community here that includes a fair number of bi people, so I don’t have a real reason to feel that way anymore… I just heard enough negative remarks about bi people before I came out that I’m still somewhat insecure about it, I guess.

    As for the fashion thing… nope, so far as I’m aware, there isn’t a convenient way for femme bi women to signal their bi-ness with clothes or whatever. I’m not super feminine, but I do fall somewhere in the realm of femme. The closest thing I have to signalling queerness is short hair, but that’s hardly a clear signal, and it’s not everyone’s style.

    • *High five!*
      I did the organised kink scene for a year and kept in touch with the folks I actually liked after that. These days I only do what some disparage as bedroom kink, but that kinkier-than-thou attitude can bog right off. For all its issues though, the kink scene is also where I learned about consent in a meaningful way, and I’m thankful for that. It’s also the closest I’ve come to being involved with the LGBT scene. Niches within niches…

      It’s wierd – I’m out to my closest friends, several people at uni, my brothers and my Dad. The only important person I’m not out to is Mum – and she’s the reason why I’m not actively out on FB. It was interesting watching her come to terms with one of her very old friends divorcing her husband and coming out as bi at the age of 45+. Like, this woman is her friend and has been for a very long time, but wow, she’s bi, and as a devout Christian, she’s not quite sure what to make of it. Polite enough to keep her concerns to herself though! So maybe it wouldn’t be as bad as I fear but… mmm, not ready to deal with that yet.

      But yes, it is lonely, is what I was trying to say. And I am very, very glad that you have a community of good people. It makes things that much easier. I’m thinking feeling like an outsider is the same as feeling like imposter in science? You fake it til you make it, and think about it occassionally and then it kinda, goes away and becomes less prominent. I remember how I felt when I was getting involved in the goth scene originially. I didn’t have the right clothes, the right hair, the right boots. I knew hardly anything about the music… But by showing up most weeks and making friends, well that feeling went away after a while. I realised I certainly wasn’t the only one feeling out of place, and the holier/gothier/kinkier/queerer/geekier/feministier-than-thou people turn up everywhere and make a lot of noise online about what you have to do to be part of the community (attempting to be gatekeepers) but it’s 99% bullshitte.

      Damn, why not?! Sigh. Wearing a little purple striped flag badge the whole time would get tedious.

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