I’m still alive!

So apparently it’s been three weeks since I last posted. Oops. Hope things are going well for you lot?

Mainly writing today just because I feel guilty for not having written in so long. However, as I’m sure you all know, guilt/shame is not the best motivator. I do have a reasonably good excuse for not posting but we’ll get to that in a minute.

Let’s start with the good news – I turned 26 last week! I know some folks get funny about getting older but I’m totally okay with it. I liked being 25 once I got over the shock of being *old* – not that 25 is all that old really. I’m sure I’m going to like being 26 as well, if only because it’s the year I’ll finally get to put the PhD behind me.

My birthday was really nice. Squisher took the week off work so I spent three days with him at his parents’ house and then a few days later he came to stay at mine. Another three uninterrupted days where we didn’t have to be anywhere or do anything that wasn’t fun! Lazy mornings in bed where he didn’t have to be up before the dawn to get to work. Late night snuggles in bed, talking about the important things in life. It was very, very good.

I got some good presents too, including Thorntons Continental Chocolates, some cocoa butter bath melts that looked like cupcakes and smell absolutely phenomenal. Orphan Black Season 1 on DVD, because when I love a show that much, I can’t not give the actors and producers my/someone’s money! Mum got me some jewelery I’d been eyeing up and an unlined A5 notebook in a handprinted red cover. Got a new rucksack to replace my old one that was falling apart and driving me nuts and a new pair of trainers – both of which were things I couldn’t afford myself. My mate gave me Diana Gabaldon’s new book -Written in My Own Heart’s Blood – a massive tome of 700+ pages in hardback, a few weeks ago, which I finished this morning. It was SOOOOOO good. I can’t recommend her Outlander Series enough. Oh, and the other thing was a dark blue furry snood. I swear to God, it is the fluffiest, softest furry thing I have ever encountered, including just about every pet cat ever. Apparently they can do amazing things with polyester these days. 😀

So yeah, my birthday was good. Aside from the lovely, much appreciated gifts, the company was excellent and dinner at Taro, a Japanese restaurant near Tottenham Court Road, was fantastic. Tastiest beef ramen I’ve ever had and the sushi we shared was delicious!

The other good news is that I finally got my initial face-to-face assessment with the local(-ish) mental health team. The lady I saw was lovely, and we talked through my situation and what I would like to achieve over the 8 or so sessions we have together. My homework for the next two weeks is to keep a mood diary of situations, moods and thoughts so that we can see in more detail what we have to deal with. So fingers crossed.

On a related note, the citalopram does still appear to be helping – the only thing that’s really bugging me about it is the daily nightmares I wake up with. These are not fun so I’m going to discuss it with my GP when I see him this week.

TW – old sexual assualt – discussion of family relationships

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Anyway, I said I had a reason for not blogging in a while and it’s not a nice one, despite all the pleasant stuff that has happened recently. Basically, I had a reminder of the sexual assault I experienced at the age of 12-13. The culprit was one of my peers and had been my friend since we were in playgroup. His parents have been my parents friends since University. In fact, his parents are how mine met. I never told any one, and had no intention of telling anyone within my family, but the other week I alluded to it while talking to my brother about why I wasn’t friends with the guy, and hadn’t been since we were teenagers. The reason why that came up in conversation is that Mum has her first boyfriend since Dad left her, and he just happens to be the father of the culprit. Consequently, the culprit has come up in conversation more than once, as our parents have no reason to assume we’re not friends, or at least passing acquiantances.

To say it is unpleasant for me is an understatement. And I haven’t quite worked out how I want to deal with it, or my feelings. I may turn it into a big post, in which case it’s going to have all the warnings ever attached to it, or I may not. Basically, I’ve not posted because I was intending to write about it but didn’t feel like tackling it head on just yet. So yeah, that’s mostly why the radio silence.

Other than that, I’m… “fine”.

Well, that and the PhD-related stress/anxiety/depression. Which I am managing, and I am trying to remind myself of the positives and the progress on the data analysis that I’m making, but it’s a difficult journey and today has been one of the less-good days.

Take care of yourselves my lovelies. I’m off to bed.

I recommend my tumblr for photos of lighthearted things, beautiful scenery and my favourite TV/film characters including Cosima, Zoë Washburne, Agent Carter, and Black Widow, and cats, lots of cats. Because kitties make everything better.

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6 thoughts on “I’m still alive!

  1. Welcome back! 😉

    Well, as much of an avoider I am of stressful things, at least you have a gameplan to attack things and I hope they all work out for you. It goes without saying that sexual wrongs hurt us in ways that are hard to understand, but again, working towards a better acceptance of yourself in the long run is the greater good here…I’m positive you will get there, since you have someone to work with.

    On a more positive and happy note! HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY! 😀
    It sounds like you had an awesome one and I hope it begins a great year for you!

  2. Happy Birthday!

    I entirely understand the weird paradox that is not writing because you want to write about a specific thing but can’t really handle about writing about said thing, either at the moment or at all. Remember when I shut down my blog for awhile? That was largely because the stuff I’d been doing in therapy to reprocess and hopefully ultimately get past some shitty things that have happened in my life was basically taking up all of my mental energy and I really, really wanted to write about it…. but I was not [and still am not] ready/willing to deal with the fallout that will result from talking about some of that stuff on a blog that my family sometimes reads. And you know, stuff I was still actively processing in therapy was maybe not quite ready for public consumption either.

    So yea, I feel you.

    Anyhow, welcome back, and all of the jedi hugs.

    • Oh, ohhhh, I see. Yes, that makes total sense and describes it very well.

      It also applies to the religion/Christianity stuff I vaguely meant to talk about on here at some point. I kinda freaked out when someone from the Church in question commented on a post. I didn’t know them at all but they clearly must have blogged the church name to see what came up, and yikes!

      *jedi hugs*

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