Reflections on this Year of Upheaval

I’ve been itching to get back to this blog so here we are! Hope life’s been treating you passably well in my absence?

I’ve been in my new job in Medical Communications for two and a half months and it’s going well so far. I passed my six-week review with flying colours and a short-ish list of things to work on. My colleagues are lovely people and the team is working really well together. After a slow start, my primary project has kicked off and I have plenty to keep me busy. I’m learning loads on the job as I go, and while it’s been difficult at points, it’s great to develop a whole flotilla of non-science skills. My job is a combination of events planner, project manager and client handler, so it’s very, very different to the PhD.

The commuting is taxing but I’m handling it much better than I thought I would. What annoys me most is the truly awful mobile internet coverage. It’s sooooo patchy and intermittent, it’s impossible to browse the internet properly and means I can’t use the considerable time spent on the train to either work, play or blog in any meaningful way. Not having a Tablet or iPad etc also doesn’t help matters so it’s on my birthday wish list!

What I am finding difficult at work is the occasional anxiety. I know the two key situations where it flares up. First, checking emails when I, for whatever reason, fear I might be in trouble and that the email will be the bearer of bad news. It doesn’t stop me getting work done but I am aware when I’m averse to checking my email because of fear, and it’s more often than I like. The thing I’m afraid of – being in trouble – has yet to happen and I hope that the more I put myself through the momentary fear and anxiety, the easier it will become. I know why it frightens me too – stupid PhD hangover from dealing with awful, bullying supervisors, but that doesn’t make it any easier to make the dread go away! *Sigh*.

The second situation is in asking for help/doing something new with too little instruction – I don’t like interrupting people and ugh, what if I get/do the thing wrong? Being aware that that’s what the anxiety is about does help a bit, and again, it’s not crippling, it’s just unpleasant. I figure as long as I try to be aware of the low level anxiety and keep an eye out for if it gets worse, I’ll be okay.

Because that’s the other thing – I’ve been off citalopram since the middle of August. I’d weaned down to 10 mg/daily and had been there for over a month and then I, after a conversation with my GP, stopped taking it all together. I have a back up prescription of  Sertraline/Zoloft just in case but I’m seeing how long I can go without to see if the depression that’s been dragging at my heels for the last 5 years is in remittance for the time being. And actually right now, I’m pretty much fine. Mainly what I’m waiting for is the last of the citalopram side effects to disappear.

The weight I gained hasn’t gone anywhere but I’m not taking active steps to see if I can shift it because body-positivity and laziness. (Frankly, I just love cake! And sweets, and chocolate, and popcorn, and alcohol… You know, all the tasty things). The boobs leaking tiny quantities of milk (galactorrhea) stopped within a few weeks of ceasing citalopram and my sex drive has slowly been returning, which is a huge relief. Nothing like feeling guilty because you don’t want sex as often as your partner after previously having a vigorous and highly regular sex life with them! My periods still haven’t returned but that may partly be because of the Mirena coil rather than the citalopram alone.

The downside is that my Reynaud’s Syndrome has returned with a vengeance. I am feeling the autumnal cold in the mornings like nobody’s business and washing my hands under too cold water is guaranteed to turn my fingers white. SSRIs have been noted as relieving Reynaud’s and part of me is considering taking the sertraline just so I don’t have to be cold all the time throughout winter. Which, may not be the best reason for taking it, especially as I don’t know how else it will affect me, but not having to deal with the Reynaud’s would be nice!

I figure once I’m back to “normal” and have settled there for a while I’ll start taking sertaline for a trial period and see how it goes. Because whilst the anxiety isn’t stopping me from living my life, I have been feeling more emotional and prone to tears than I would like, and I don’t know if that’s just me, having feelings and being better at being aware of them, or whether it’s an *Issue*.  My Beck Depression Inventory-II score is 7 (“not depressed”) if I’m really fishing to answer any of the questions with anything other than 0, whereas back in January 2015 it was around 25-30 – which scores as moderate-to-severe depression. So that’s not actually a problem to be worried about right now, which is bloomin’ marvelous! Seriously, if you’d asked me back in January, or hell, even in June, before my graduation and landing this job in Med Comms, whether I’d be feeling this well by now, I think I’d have strangled you just for asking, and then burst into tears about how awful my life was.

Let’s just take a look at a post from February, after I’d handed in my PhD Thesis for comparison.

“The only downside to all of this was that emotionally I was still a wreck. I cried/had hysterics once a day for over a fortnight. I.e. things were not that great. I was massively anxious and panicking about my future and all the things I have to do over the next several months. The list is as follows:

  1. Prepare for my Viva Voce exam
  2. Start claiming Jobseekers Allowance (JSA)
  3. Job hunt for temp work while I prep for my viva
  4. Job hunt for permanent work, probably in the Med Comms industry
  5. Move in with Squishy in deepest darkest Kent, i.e. a long way away from where most of the Med Comms companies are, likely necessitating communting into London for work, the thing I said I’d never do.

So, no biggie, right? All small, minor obstacles that can easily be overcome, right?

Wrong!

Try major, stress-inducing issues, each with their own set of sub-tasks and problems. All at once, when I’m still physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted from finishing my thesis.”

Soooo, I wasn’t in the best place in the world but it’s inspiring to look at that list and see that I’ve handled all of those things.

I had my viva, and passed it well. I went on JSA and found a part-time job to keep body and soul together and get some relevant work experience (organising travel and booking hotel rooms was one of the reasons my company gave me the job!). I landed a job in Med Comms which suits me, that I’m enjoying and want to stay in for the foreseeable future and which pays reasonably well. And finally, I’ve moved in with Squishy and have been living with him for over 7 months and it’s good! It’s not 100% to my liking but that’s because housework sucks and we both work long hours and spend upwards of 20 hours a week each commuting to London, on top of the hours we actually spend at work. So when we do see each other in the  evenings, we’re usually both tired and hungry and have to be up again for work in not enough hours.

Three months ago, I literally couldn’t see myself where I am now and for that I am deeply grateful.

 

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