Happy BiVisibility Day!

I’m here and I’m queer! Get used to it!

I’m bisexual, not invisible.

Just because I’m in a long-term (6 years and counting) relationship with a cishet man, doesn’t mean I’m any less bisexual.

I still regularly get crushes on women and that’s ok too.

I’m happy with who I am these days, which as a nearly 30 yo cis woman, is actually a pretty great achievement. I came out to myself age 21, and out to most of my friends not much later. Coming out to most of my family took another 3-4 years. It took a lot of searching to figure it out initially, and a lot of self-forgiveness and gentleness as I emerged from a Chruch of England and Evangelical religious upbringing.

Point is, it’s do-able. It’s possible to be bi, and an adult, and have it not be a phase. It’s possible to be happy and comfortable with that too. I don’t always manage it but it’s not doom and gloom, it’s a thing to be proud of and to celebrate.

Here’s to BiVisibility Day 2018!

Coming out

This: Tolerance says, “Love the sinner, hate the sin.” Acceptance says, “There’s nothing sinful about living in the way that makes you happiest.”

Penny Gets Lucky

Last week, I finally summoned up the courage to tell my father that I’m bisexual.

For a lifelong Catholic, he took it pretty well. He made sure to tell me that he still loved me, and that having feelings for someone of the same sex wasn’t wrong.

It was my actions, he said, that mattered.

Sure, it’s okay to have these feelings – you can’t control feelings – but to act on them would be what constituted a sin. He asked if I’d had sexual partners other than my husband – to which my response was “No,” but honestly should have been “That’s none of your damn business.” He said that he was only worried because if I went outside the bonds of my marriage, that would be a violation of my vows to my husband. I told him that was for me and my husband to decide, and I’d…

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How Christianity Damaged My Sexuality, Part 2: Cultural Teachings

This is Part 2, and it deals with some of the cultural teachings I absorbed or was actively taught that harmed me. Part 1 is here but it carries a content note for descriptions of sexual assault.

The first teaching regarded the fate of your “heart” if you had sex before marriage. I was specifically told that if/when you had sex, you gave a part of your heart away which you could never get back. You were broken if you had sex (outside of marriage) and you were a sinner if you “fornicated”. That word that confused the hell out of me for years. Listed alongside adultery, theft and murder in the New Testament as things you should never ever do, none of the adults I asked would ever give me a straight answer as to what it even was, like the “no heavy petting” sign at the swimming pool. Eventually I figured it must be all the sexy things that weren’t Capital-S Sex. Continue reading

How Christianity Damaged my Sexuality, Part 1: Sexual Assault

This post is further to a post from a while back about a dream about church. I’d had some songs by Delirious? rattling round my brain for weeks so I decided to listen to the tracks again and see what that did for me. It had the anticipated effect of removing those songs from my brain but it had some un-anticipated effects as well. This is a personal post about how Christianity fucked up my sexuality and is part one of two.

It describes various sexual assults and victim blaming thoughts. Content Note for everything after the cut. Please take care of yourself.

In listening to those songs and recalling how I felt when I listened to them as teen, and in paying actual attention to the lyrics, subtext and implications, feelings were aroused. Anger mainly. Fury and Rage. Pain and Regret. And finally, Heartbreak. Sorrow for my teenage self and disgust for the adults who had care of said teenager. Continue reading

He Touched Me

Content Note: sexual assault

I haven’t forgotten the thing I wasn’t able to talk about here for weeks. It’s been on my mind, and closer to the surface than usual.

Today is the start of talking about it.

The writing here is what arose from a text-based Twine game, Player2, by  Lydia Neon. It deals with interpersonal conflict and doesn’t have to be for the big stuff, but it can be if you want it.

CONTENT WARNING for sexual asault here on out. Continue reading

Taking Back the Bi – reflections on a post

Aoife O’Riordan has written one of the best things I’ve ever read about being bisexual and the political importance of the word. Go read it – it’s a must.

My own reactions to the post are:

1/ That I don’t associate myself with the words queer and pan, and haven’t encountered much of those communities at all and thus haven’t seen the hatred against the term bisexual from that angle.

2/ That I’ve not exclusively attributed the meaning “falling for both men and women exclusively”, where men and women are assumed to be cis, to the term bisexual. My knowledge of trans* issues, while far from perfect and complete, ’cause yes, I’ve fucked up around this before, has grown alongside my feminism and my bisexual identity. So I see no reason why the label bisexual would exclude falling for a trans* or genderqueer person, assuming the person concerned has recognised and begun to deal with their transphobia.

3/ Regarding the phrase “I don’t see gender” – yes it’s highly obnoxious. Aoife compares it to saying “I don’t see race”. That’s a phrase I’ve only ever seen used online but from the context I assume it’s really common state-side from people that think they’re being progressive. I’ve read it instinctively as “I *refuse* to acknowledge that I certainly carry racist ideas and stereotypes in my head and act accordingly”. You don’t get to exist in our (UK/USA/White European-derived) societies without carrying racist stereotypes and ideas. It makes me uncomfortable every time I realise I’ve just run into another racist stereotype in my mind, but there it is. You don’t make it go away by pretending it’s not happening. Instead, you note it and challenge it and do your best to act as if you thought otherwise. I also strongly encourage reading about subconscious stereotypes and stereotype threat – learning about these things opened my eyes.


“the idea that physical attraction is somehow less valid than, or exclusive of, attraction to someone as a person is the height of sex-shaming. There is nothing shallow or meaningless about being physically attracted to people. And being physically attracted to someone doesn’t mean for a second that you can’t fancy the hell out of their brains as well.”

Gold. Pure gold. Continue reading

BiVisibility Day – I Like Kissing Girls. And boys.

Well, the internet tells me it’s BiVisibility Day. I feel like I should be excited but I’m not. I’m not out to many of the people in my life, and I certainly can’t post about it on FB, sooo, this will have to do.

I reckon I’m not at all visible as a bisexual person. I don’t dress stereotypically queer and I’m not involved in any offline LGBT communities. I’m probably reasonably out as an “ally” in that I post quite a lot of things about LGBT rights on FB and am often quite vocal in conversation when people decide queer-bashing is ok, but whether most people put two and two together, I don’t know. Continue reading