Just a quick note to say hi and that I haven’t forgotten you! Things have been super busy and stressful here. The ex-housemate situation I alluded to in a previous post is still causing me grief but there’s very little I can do about it until the tenancy is up. Long story short, I’m framing it as a friend-break-up, complicated by pantsfeelings and tentative poly shenanigans. The PhD work has been getting on top of me again too, partly because as well you know, my supervisor is a gigantic pain who cannot/will not read subtle body language and verbal hints. My work trip to Barcelona to see our collaborators was a strong success regardless but it means yet more work for me and my brain is panicking, going “nope, nope, nope” all the way to the Nope Rocket.
(@kingdomofwench & @louisathelast, via Captain Awkward)
I also have a lab meeting to present on Thursday, which while not uber-stressful, is one more thing to prepare for. Consequently I have been spending a lot of time in Excel and learning Prism’s GraphPad software (highly recommend it if you can get it free off your institution! But it is a learning curve).
Meanwhile, in my personal life, I also had my bike stolen the other week from outside my uni building. The scumbags did a proper number on the lock and rode off on it, managing to avoid the CCTV. That properly shook me up, and every time I walk past the bike rack, I expect it to have magically reappeared, which so isn’t going to happen. The combination of the bike, uni/work/PhD, friend-break-up and my partner having moved to the other end of the country is making me feel overwhelmed and very lonely. I have plenty of good acquaintances here but they are all PhD-associated, while my actual inner circle and family are also at the other end of the country. It sucks. It’s only for another month and a half, but still. Not pleasant. I have spent several nights crying into my pillow about all this, and my jerkbrain has been having an absolute field-day with it. It’s particularly enjoying stirring up trouble in my relationship with Squisher, by focusing on the what-ifs of the future and magnifying legit issues we need to deal with at some point into massive relationship-ending catastrophes. It then adds a helping of guilt and calls me crazy for worrying about things I don’t need to worry about right this second, and adds a side portion of “what if he leaves me?” insecurity and fear. God, I love being me sometimes.
The other thing is that I have not been finding as much joy in reading all the blogs as I did in the recent past. I am feeling burned out on the whole “Here be rape culture. Trigger Warning!” thing cluttering up my feed, and the “Academia sucks, bro! Here’s one weird tip that will land you a job for sure!” thing. I just don’t have the energy to care right now. It’s not that I don’t care but right now I cannot deal. On the one hand, I feel like I don’t have enough to read, and on other, it all feels the same and feels like a chore. I don’t look at my reader and go “goody, new stuff!”, I go “oh god, there’s tons I haven’t read yet, I’m falling behind!” Which again, not pleasant. Instead I’ve been bingeing on House, Grey’s Anatomy and Orphan Black and re-watching favourite movies like Billy Elliot, Lilo and Stitch and anything else Disney. I also watched Saving Mr. Banks the other week and I cannot recommend it highly enough. A heartfelt tear-jerker with a very interesting female lead character. Go watch it.